SeeNoEvil recently contacted Pastor Travis Walker to see if we could share his story on our blog.  He agreed.  We are honored to have him featured as a guest writer on our blog and hope you gain insight and inspiration from this posting.  Thank you. 

Is It Okay to Talk About Pornography In Our Church?  by Travis Walker 

Hi, I am a recovering porn addict. This is not a confession. This is simply a fact.

I am not going to go deep into the skeletons that lay in the closet of my youth and young adulthood that might explain psychologically and physiologically why I turned to pornography to cope with the deeper issues I was struggling with at that time. It just happened, and I got hooked. It happens to a lot of us unfortunately. Long before I decided to become a minister that compulsion or habit or addiction or whatever you want to call it was deeply ingrained in me. And just because I made a choice to change my life and begin following Christ did not make it magically vanish. I wish it had. I spent many days in tears asking God why He wouldn’t just take it away from me, but He didn’t, at least not right away. You see God wanted to teach me something.

In my battle with this addiction over the last seven years or so I have learned quite a bit about myself, about sin, and about salvation. I have learned that I am totally powerless to fight this battle in my own strength. Not only do I need the help of God, but I also need the help of others. I have also learned that almost every friend I have (male or female, married, not married, pastors included) struggles with sexual temptation and especially pornography. I have friends that you would think are the closest thing to a description of your ideal Christian could be, and yet they feel enchained to this addiction.

So what are we doing as a church to deal with this epidemic? Are we going to continue to stay quiet and deny the fact that up to 70% of our men in the church and 25-30% of women are struggling with pornography? Bernie Anderson’s book and speaking ministry is not enough. He should not bear the burden of being the spokesman for our church on this issue alone. We all share this struggle. Why are we not uniting together in bringing this sin out into the light as a church? Why are we pretending that were all okay? Can someone in our church who is enslaved to this debilitating compulsive behavior find help from within our church? I couldn’t. Not from a church who is in denial. Not from a church that subtly and not so subtly condemns people who openly struggle with sin. I had to seek help elsewhere. How long are we going to keep sending our people away to get help through our silence and refusal to talk about the elephant in the room?

The thing that is most disturbing about this compulsion is that it is very adept at totally sucking all the spiritual energy out of its victims. It drives them deeper and deeper until many become literally dead inside till they feel like there is no hope for them. I have been there. I know the feelings of utter despair and emptiness that viewing pornography compulsively can bring upon those who are enslaved, and yet don’t want to be. Contrary to what you might think not all those who view pornography do so because they want to, many do it because they feel like they have to. They feel driven to it by a cruel unrelenting master.

Like I said before, I have been consciously battling this compulsion for over seven years now. Before that I was totally enslaved to it for almost ten years. Praise God though, it has not always been a losing battle. I am not perfect, but I have learned some principles that help keep me “sober.” In fact I can say that by God’s grace I have been sober for some time now, not that I am totally free from temptation. I am constantly reminded of my weakness when I see a sexy billboard or go to the beach in the summer, but I have seen significant growth in my life.

I want to share some principles that I have learned that may help you if you are struggling with this addiction.

- First, you must know that you are not alone (1 Cor 10:13). Sometimes it can feel that way because the nature of this compulsion is to keep it hidden away so that no one, not even your best friend, knows about it. However many others are sharing this same struggle with you.

- Second, there is hope for you. Jesus is still knocking at the door of your heart (Rev 3:20) and he is inviting you to come to Him with the heavy burden of pornography so that He can give you rest and freedom (Matt 11:28). Instead of drinking from the well of pornography that will never truly satisfy your thirst, Jesus is offering you living water. And whoever drinks this water will never thirst (John 4:14). In fact Jesus said that He came to give you life and freedom (John 8:36; 10:10)

- Third, you must tell someone about your problem. Eph 5:11 tells us to “have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather expose them.” Hiding your sin only strengthens it. If you don’t feel like you can trust anyone you know than email me! The point is you have to tell someone. James 5:16 teaches us to confess our sins to each other so we may be healed.

- Fourth, confession isn’t enough though. You must follow up confession with accountability. Find at least one person you can trust to ask you the tough questions about purity at least once a week. However if you can I suggest starting an accountability group. This group should comprise of only men or women and should meet regularly. I suggest using materials such as Every Man’s Battle, At The Altar Of Sexual Idolatry, or Sex Is Not The Problem Lust Is. I also suggest every member of the group signing a covenant that lays out the expectations of the group members who decide to join. An example of one can be found on my personal blog here.

- Fifth, you must radically amputate all sources of pornography from your life. Jesus tells us in the Sermon on the Mount, “If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell” (Matt 5:29, 30). The principle here is obvious: radically, if necessary, remove all sources of temptation that you have control over from your life. This most definitely means getting an Internet filter on your computer. I recommend Safe Eyes. I have used it for over three years now and it works great on PC or Mac. You can get a free 14 day trial here. You will never overcome this addiction while you allow yourself unfiltered Internet access at home or work. I can’t even imagine where I’d be today without it.

- Sixth, you must develop daily devotional habits. There is no getting around this. This is not optional! If you want freedom then you must learn to find your fulfillment from Jesus, the Word of God, alone and be filled by it everyday. Along with daily Bible reading and prayer you should also begin experimenting with other spiritual disciplines. Also exercise and a healthy diet are key weapons in your fight for obtaining purity and maintaining freedom.

- Finally, the seventh thing I must say to you is never give up! Don’t get discouraged when you fall again and again, but retrace your steps and analyze what caused you to fall and what you have to do differently to keep it from happening again. This quote from Steps to Christ is always an encouragement to me. Coming out of the darkness isn’t easy. It is my prayer and hope though that coming out of it together will make it a lot easier.

“There are those who have known the pardoning love of Christ and who really desire to be children of God, yet they realize that their character is imperfect, their life faulty, and they are ready to doubt whether their hearts have been renewed by the Holy Spirit. To such I would say, Do not draw back in despair. We shall often have to bow down and weep at the feet of Jesus because of our shortcomings and mistakes, but we are not to be discouraged. Even if we are overcome by the enemy, we are not cast off, not forsaken and rejected of God. No; Christ is at the right hand of God, who also maketh intercession for us. Said the beloved John, ‘These things write I unto you, that ye sin not. And if any man sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous.’ (1 John 2:1) And do not forget the words of Christ, ‘The Father Himself loveth you.’ (John 16:27) He desires to restore you to Himself, to see His own purity and holiness reflected in you. And if you will but yield yourself to Him, He that hath begun a good work in you will carry it forward to the day of Jesus Christ. Pray more fervently; believe more fully. As we come to distrust our own power, let us trust the power of our Redeemer, and we shall praise Him who is the health of our countenance.”

SeeNoEvil welcomes Dr. Brenda Schaeffer, author of Love or Addiction: The Power and Peril of Teen Sex and Romance, as a guest writer for our blog. 

The Shadow Side of Technology and Teen Love

Dr. Brenda Schaeffer

Adapted from Love or Addiction?  The Power and Peril of Teen Sex and Romance

Modern day technology can be credited for amazing feats unimaginable when I was in high school and college.  It is a good thing, and most days I love it.  Today we have private cell phones with us twenty-four hours a day; we communicate via email or instant messaging; we research virtually anything on the Internet, including sex; we find romantic interests in chat rooms; we buy unseen everything online; and we listen to music on iPods.  The digital revolution has changed our lives and the way we communicate forever.   Electronic media are a part of life and love relationships.  And, much of it can be done in our own private world.  Techno literacy is becoming synonymous with a successful life, and adolescence is a prime time for mastering the skills.

The flow of information today is mind-blowing.  It defies all boundaries—family, religion, communities, and even nations.  Youth today have amazing options:  hundreds of broadcast channels on satellite radio and television, huge DVD and video libraries, computers that give high speed admittance to world wide information, email communication and chatting, access to hundreds of video games, cell phones that give instant messaging or photos and can be used as a computer, specialized websites, blogs, and MP3s and iPods. Virtual reality is here.

Information is flowing faster than research can assess its impact or the brain can fully comprehend.  We can only guess, as well we do, on how the lightening fast information exchange will influence the future of sex, love, and romance on young minds.   We know the power of being read the story of Cinderella over and over again as children.  We grow up to be either Cinderella or the one looking to be her rescuer.  The adolescent brain is wide open and hugely sensitive to images—visual, auditory, and sensory—that pertain to relationships, communication, and impulse control.   

Internet 

Twenty years ago the Internet was primarily for the haughty and heady scientists.  With the introduction of the PC and the World Wide Web, all of that changed.  The young entering relationships today are groomed on the computer.  It is important to understand the impact of this fingertip technology.  Three out of four adolescents use the Internet to connect with friends, do research, and learn about the global village.  Great!  But for many, the Internet can too easily become an insane world that negatively impacts attitudes about sex, love, and romance.  It can be culture shock.

For the shy and depressed or just plain bored adolescent, cyber connections are easy to maintain or hide behind. The fantasy world substitutes for the real world.  It is like being a three-to seven-year-old again.  Make believe and magic and all of it at one’s finger tips.  Cyber love relationships become highly charged and addictive. Talking for hours on the Internet, quick involvement and abrupt endings, and the euphoria of romantic fantasy create a use and crash cycle that can be devastating and lead to depression and suicidal ideation.  Cyber relationships carry as much emotional weight and pain as real ones, and their impact should never be underestimated.   And then there is sex.

There are many great sites that give important information on sexuality.  But there is a downside to the cyber world when the young are learning how to explore sexuality and love relationships and that is cyber sex.  For some, the Internet has become a place where the gap between fantasy and reality becomes wider.  The cyber world of sex can result in isolation, fantasy, objectifying people, and an invitation to use sex like a drug.  For some adolescents it is sex talk with friends online that progressively escalates.

Pornography is everywhere on the Internet.  If you are not out looking for it, it will find you.  A study released by the US Justice Department discovered that one in four children online are exposed to unwanted sexual images. The average age a child is exposed to pornography is age six and a half.  And for those who seek it, pornography is far easier to find than Napster or researching for a homework assignment.  Think of any sexual slang word and add  .com and you will find pornography.   Take normal curiosity, an increase in hormones, the sheer amount of time young people spend on the Internet, throw in unsolicited instant messages with massive pop ups of seductive sexual images, add a dose of immature impulse control, low esteem, shyness, or anything else going on in the adolescent mind, and you have a recipe for compulsive use of sexual imagery.  

The Internet itself is not the problem.  It is how it is used and how long it is used.  However, it can lead to the progression of sexually compulsive behavior.  The fact is that sexual images hit a part of the brain that can begin cravings for more and more arousal images and research is showing that a person can become addicted to pornography on the Internet in as short a period as six weeks, when used consistently.  Cyber sex is anonymous, affordable, and easily accessible.⁵ Adults are fully responsible for their cyber sex use, the ensuing consequences of that behavior and self-censorship via use of personal software.  Adolescents are not as liable for their cyber sex use and for the many reasons already explained.  In adolescence, we simply do not have the brain or emotional development to limit sexually compulsive behaviors without support.  If adult sex addicts rely on a strong support system to get through the pull of strong urges, certainly adolescents need the same or more support and guidance of wise mentors.

Chat

An even sicker problem, experts say, are the chat rooms and instant messaging, known as “IMing,” which allows sexual predators direct contact with you.  Instant messaging is used like a phone line today.  Though mostly innocent, a youth can spend hours chatting online with friends and even strangers who lurk in the dark and secret underworld that has appeal to those wanting to explore everything.  It feels safe when sitting in your room and behind a closed door with friends or family in the other room.   But beware. 

According to an MSNBC report, dated February 4, 2005, a Los Angeles police detective passed as a thirteen-year-old girl in chat rooms to track down predators, and in less than five minutes the chat took a direct turn to having sex with the underage person.  Young teens, especially those lonely and depressed, are vulnerable to finding someone who is special to them, and the chats get longer and more personal.  Estimates are that a sexual predator solicits one out of five young people online.  A Dateline NBC hidden camera investigation found men of all ages and backgrounds ready to have sex with an underage girl.  Virtual crime and vice exist.  If you are a troubled adolescent, male or female, becoming a streetwalker online is a sure way to make quick money. As one undercover decoy posing as a fifteen-year-old girl said, “I can count to ten, and by that time I’m being hit on…. You can almost have an auction.”⁶ 

But there is another, more positive, side to sex, love, and the Internet.  Twenty percent of teens said they received information about sexuality from the Web. I think it is much higher.  In addition, there are legitimate sites that talk about everything from birth control, abstinence, sexually transmitted disease, debunking sex myths, love advice, sex advice, personal health, as well as special interest chat groups that allow a young person to learn more about who they are separate from family and without taking too much of a risk.  The Internet can be a place to practice sharing one’s self, learning more about communication and relationships—all important developmental tasks of the merging adolescent.

Emma’s Story

Emma felt unpopular and unattractive. Deeply depressed, she turned to the use of the Internet and chat rooms to meet people. At first this was innocent.  Emma felt a kinship with the people she was meeting online.  As she continued to explore chat rooms, she came to sites where the vibe was more sexual in nature.  She felt animated and began to frequent the sites that raised her excitement level. More and more time was spent in Emma’s fantasy world of new friends behind closed doors. 

Conversations in open chat rooms led to private online chats with guys she was drawn to.  The chats became more intimate and sexual in content.  She would chat late into the night and would neglect her schoolwork.  In addition, she often felt exhausted in the mornings and would dose off in class. Emma’s after-school job suffered as well. Her pattern mushroomed.  Emma was becoming addicted to the intense arousal and rich fantasy life she was having. 

To increase chemically induced exhilaration, she set up online affairs with three men at the same time.  She felt powerful having three guys in her life and keeping each a secret from the other.  But the out-of-control behavior finally caught up with Emma.  Her parents, suspicious because of her increased irritability and tiredness, poor grades, and loss of job, questioned her use of time and the Internet. She lied.  The evidence was there, however, and her parents got her to therapy where she worked to stop the compulsive behavior.  As important as changing her behavior was, the work she did on her depression and low self-esteem—the culprits that led her to the risky behavior—was of equal importance.